The Anniversary
by Cats070911
Summary: On the anniversary of Helen's death Barbara knows Tommy will need her but she does not expect to end up in Cornwall and is not prepared for what happens there.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: **As always the characters belong to Elizabeth George and the BBC.

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The urgent clattering of her mobile filled her small flat. It was almost three o'clock on Thursday morning but Barbara had expected the call, sooner or later, and did not need the unique ringtone she had assigned him to know who was calling. Tommy was unpredictable when he was in one of his darker moods and she could not be sure that he would not arrive at her door seeking sanctuary. He had done that before so she had resisted the temptation to drive to his townhouse and park outside. She was dressed and ready and could be with him in minutes. She answered as she always did; Tommy did not need to be reminded how well she could read him. "Havers."

At first he did not speak but she could hear him breathing unevenly. He had undoubtedly been drinking heavily. "Barbara...can you...I need to...talk."

"Morning Sir. Are you at home? Do you want me to come over?"

"No...yes." His voice was faint and slightly slurred.

"Are you at your house Sir?"

"No...the park," he said sounding almost surprised, "Can't do it alone..."

"Parliament Hill? On the bench?"

"Yes."

The park was closer than his house but at this time of night she was not keen about walking up to the top nor was she keen on having him alone and vulnerable in his current state. "I'll be there in less than fifteen minutes Sir. Wait there for me."

"Hurry Havers." The phone went silent.

Barbara grabbed her keys and her Maglite and headed for her car. She drove quickly on the quiet streets and spotted Detective Inspector Lynley's Bristol parked fifty yards along the road from the entrance to the park. She pulled in behind it then holding the torch to provide protection rather than light, she hurried up the path. She could see him slumped across the bench and ran the last forty yards worried he had been attacked.

Tommy saw the light bobbling up the hill. "Barbara! I'm sorry," he called out as she approached, "Thought I would be okay. How am I going to do this?"

He leaned forward with his legs apart and his head in his hands. Tears were streaming down his face and splashing on the grass at his feet. Barbara could see a not almost empty whiskey bottle lying ominously by his left thigh. Barbara sat on the cold damp timbers of the seat and extinguished the torch. There was enough ambient light in the glow from the city and the dull quarter moon for the anonymity of a quiet conversation.

"Hiya Sir. It's okay, I'm here now. We will do it together, yeah?" She wanted to wrap her arms around him and let him cry into her shoulder but theirs was not that type of relationship. Just being here would mean enough until he was ready to talk. She shoved her hands in her coat pockets and pulled it protectively around her.

"Thank you." He looked up at her and smiled. He had a special smile he kept only for her that spoke of a decade of understanding, trust, forgiveness and friendship. They sat silently for several minutes. Tommy took another swig of whiskey and offered Barbara the bottle which she waved away. "It's a year...today," he eventually said, his voice now more even.

"I know."

"I don't know," he paused searching for words, "what to feel."

"There are no rules Sir. You feel what you feel. You can't try to feel something you don't."

Tommy nodded as if he understood and agreed but Barbara could tell he was punishing himself. "It wasn't her fault and it wasn't your fault. It was just a tragic accident."

"I froze," he said angrily, "I could have done...something."

"Nothing would have changed it Sir. Helen thought standing there would stop Nina firing. She didn't understand years of hatred and what a single taunt could unleash."

"She was the profiler, the psychologist, she _should _have known."

"You can't know." Barbara thought back to when she had been shot. She could understand exactly what Helen had tried to do. Neither time had worked. Barbara had been lucky, she had survived. Helen had been unlucky and had died. "You think it will stop someone but you can't stop rage and hatred like that." She saw him watching her and she knew he was also thinking about the two shootings.

"I'm glad you survived," he said quietly as he looked directly into her eyes, "never think I would change that to have Helen back." Tommy stood and started to pace around clearly angry and drunk. Barbara could tell he wanted to lash out and hurt something or someone but the only person around was Barbara and she doubted her would hurt her, at least not physically. He picked up the whiskey bottle and threw it as hard as he could into the bushes and thumped down on the seat. "I'm so angry and I can't let it go."

"It's natural to be angry. Your wife died and you are still grieving. It takes time Sir."

"But I'm not sure I am grieving. I tried hard for months to mourn her but it didn't work then and it's not working now. I miss her as my friend but I was relieved when she died because I didn't have to be married to her anymore."

Barbara was shocked but knew it was important to be neutral. "All grief contains sorrow and guilt and relief. It is natural, don't over-think it Sir. Today is not the day to think about why. Just remember why you miss her and why you loved her."

Tommy sat down and ran his hand through his hair. "Did I? Love her?"

"Yes, you did. For a long time she was your friend and then your wife. You didn't have to be in love with her to have loved her and miss her."

This seemed to make sense to him and he lay down on the bench; his head near but not touching her leg. Barbara thought about cradling his head in her lap like a child to comfort him but she was his partner and friend, not his mother, not his lover. Neither spoke but when his breathing slowly eased and he had drifted off to sleep she rested her arm protectively across his shoulder.

Barbara sat watching the lights of the city flicker as London began to wake. The noise from the traffic built into a low hum and she imagined thousands of workers waking and showering and preparing for their day. Tommy was still sleeping. It was not the calm rest of a man at peace; instead he moved fitfully as his nightmares tormented him. She had spoken softly to him and had even stoked his head to let him know someone was there for him but she worried about what to say to him when he woke. He had questioned before whether he had loved Helen as a husband should but that had been when she had left him. She thought he had sorted that out when they had reconciled but knowing Tommy he had just been swept up in the moment. She tried not to pity him but he would never be happy until he could forgive himself, not only for Helen but for everything in his past. She smiled at the irony. That was something he had once told her she needed to do to move on. _No wonder we're a good team, we're as broken as each other._

The morning grew colder so Barbara tucked his coat around him and waited for him to wake. Dawn broke after six but the sun had not been able to break through the clouds and Barbara thought it might start to drizzle. As the light increasingly stole the intimacy of the night she started to gently shake him awake.

"Come on Sir, time to go home."

Tommy sat up too fast and felt the world spin. "I can't."

"We can go to my place. You can sleep there for a while, until you feel better."

Tommy looked at her and shook his head, "That's not fair on you."

"It's either that or I take you to your place and stay with you there."

He nodded and started to walk down the path. Surprisingly he was steady on his feet but she knew he had developed quite a tolerance to alcohol during those first few months after Helen's death. As they walked down the hill Tommy looked across and smiled at her. It was all the thanks she needed.

He saw her car behind his and pulled out his keys. Barbara was about to berate him and stop him from driving when he tossed them to her and walked over to the passenger door. "Just drive carefully please."

For the second time this morning Barbara was shocked. "Yes Sir!" she said as she eyed the relic nervously. Once they were seated she checked the gauges and adjusted the mirror then pulled carefully away from the kerb. She had started driving when she realised they had not really agreed where to go. "So, your place or mine?"

"Yours...no mine, it's bigger."

"Right."

"No, I really don't want to go there."

"Okay, mine it is unless you want to check into a hotel?" Barbara had said it as a joke but Tommy did not seem amused. A serious look crossed his face and she was just about to tell him she was being funny when he asked, "Would you mind driving me to Howenstowe?"

"Oh, in your car?"

"Unless you own something vaguely comfortable."

She resisted the usual banter about his damned car. Barbara was tired and the thought of a six hour drive hardly thrilled her but she had seen the look in his eyes. He needed to go home. His mother would undoubtedly give her lunch and arrange a car for her to come back to London. Inwardly she resigned herself to a long day but outwardly she tried to sound cheery, "Cornwall it is!"

Tommy rested his head on the seat back and before she had found the M4 he was asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

The roads were crowded but the traffic flowed smoothly. She would never admit it to Tommy but she actually enjoyed driving his car. It had plenty of power to get up the hills and for an old car was nifty when it cornered. She stopped for fuel near Exeter which roused Tommy from his sleep. He paid for the petrol and bought two coffees which Barbara took as a good sign.

"Thanks Sir, much appreciated," she said sipping the hot brew, "do we need to ring your mother and let her know we are coming?"

"No, she is visiting Judith," she said casually, "it will just be the two of us."

"How will I get back to London?"

"We'll drive back on Sunday I thought."

"Oh."

"Problem?"

"Well for a start I have no clothes or anything and Hillier will be expecting us at work tomorrow."

"I took today and tomorrow off and we're not on call this weekend. I'll ring him and get you off the hook and there are clothes at the house or I'll buy you some."

"All sorted then," she replied sarcastically. If he noticed he did not let on and simply climbed back in the car and waited.

Tommy sat staring out the window for the rest of the journey, lost in his thoughts. Barbara was getting tired and was pleased to see the familiar contours around his estate finally come into view just after noon. She did not feel tricked into coming. He had probably not even thought through the implications when he asked her to drive him down. It was just one of his Lord Asherton assumptions that everyone and everything would fit around his needs and if anything did not fit then it would if some money or his title was thrown at it.

As they pulled into the driveway Lynley looked over and smiled and she fleetingly glimpsed the old Tommy. He was showing no ill effects from the whiskey which made her worry that maybe he was still drinking more than he should when he was alone. He was still handsome in a rugged sort of way but this year had taken a toll on him and he looked drawn and older. He had lost the boyish enthusiasm that had once lit his features. Now sadness sat just beneath the surface and gave him a heaviness that Barbara wished she could somehow lift. She vowed to try to make him smile more.

"Thank you for driving me here and keeping her in one piece. When you drive you forget how far it is to come," he said as he stood and stretched.

"It's my pleasure Sir," she said stifling a yawn, "I could drive her more often perhaps?"

"Don't push it Sergeant Havers, special treat for today only," he said trying hard to look stern, "fancy some lunch?"

"Will there be food in the house?"

"Yes,' he replied laughing, "if there is one thing Mother keeps plenty of, it is food!"

They went inside and Tommy called the estate manager to let him know he was down. Barbara stood in the hallway clasping her hands in front of her and rocking back and forth on her heels. The house made her self-conscious and anxious, even without its residents.

"Why are you standing in the hall?"

"I...I didn't know where to go,' she answered sheepishly.

"This is my house Barbara; I want you to feel comfortable here. Go anywhere you like and don't let it intimidate you."

"No Sir, of course." _Much easier said than done Sir!_

She followed him into the kitchen and watched him rustle up some chicken sandwiches. He even found some chocolate cake for dessert. It was hard not to be mildly impressed.

"I will ring Hillier after lunch then I thought I might go for a ride along the cliffs. Will you come with me?"

"Me? You mean on a horse?"

Tommy laughed. "Yes, on a horse. We have some nice ones here that would suit you. I refuse to have motorbikes here. They are too destructive to the land."

"Er Sir, it's a kind offer but you do know I can't ride a horse? I can stay here and have a bit of a kip."

Lynley looked disappointed. "It's beautiful along the cliffs at this time of year. I'd like to show them to you Barbara," he said quietly.

Barbara could see that for some reason it was important to him. "I would like to see them Sir, really I would. Perhaps we could take a farm vehicle?"

Tommy smiled at her. "We can take Bertie."

Barbara was unsure what Bertie was but it did not sound like the name of a horse; probably an old tractor or something. She shook her head doubtfully but he seemed happy and today that was important. "Okay Sir, we'll take Bertie," she said reluctantly.

Lynley showed her to the guest room, a different one to the one she had stayed in on previous visits. He opened the wardrobe and said, "I think you will find something in here that fits."

Barbara gawked at the array of shirts, dresses and trousers that filled the robe and then noticed that the drawers were lined with underwear and toiletries, all new and neatly packed in plastic bags. A quick check showed the clothes were varying sizes and all were simple and neutral, appealing to most tastes. She was not sure whether she should be impressed or find it vaguely sinister.

Tommy looked down at the floor and shuffled his feet, not something she saw him do often. "I know, it might seem a little creepy to find a room full of clothes in an old mansion but Mother finds a lot of guests stay over unexpectedly and get caught short. So she keeps this here for such occasions. There is a men's equivalent in the next room. I might even have to use it. I'm not sure what clothes I have down here."

They caught each other's expression and started to smile. They were both embarrassed and awkward and yet somehow that relaxed them. "Well that ends my objection to having nothing to wear. Now I think you had better ring Hillier before he lists me as a missing person."

"I will do it right now and meet you downstairs in ten minutes. We might end up a bit muddy but I can wash out your clothes tonight."

This was starting to feel a bit too domestic for Barbara and she smiled tightly and said, "Okay, I'll be down in ten."

Bertie it turned out was a horse; a very large horse with broad hairy feet. Tommy had led her to the stables and until she was introduced she still thought he had some other means of transport hidden away. Barbara took one look at Bertie and reneged. "I am not getting up on that monster."

Bertie neighed and turned around to Barbara and laid his head over her shoulder. "What the..." she yelled, startled. Barbara went rigid and moved nothing but her eyes which implored him to act, to save her. Tommy burst out laughing and it took him a minute to regain control. "I'm glad you find this funny Sir, but you don't have a gigantic horse trying to eat you." Tommy's laughter resumed more heartily.

"Bertie... is not trying... to eat you... Barbara," he said between laughs, "he is trying... to welcome... you."

"Thank you Bertie," she said very formally, "I feel most at home so you can take your hot breath away from the back of my neck now please."

Tommy collapsed on the ground with tears streaming from his eyes. He was laughing so hard that it was infectious and Barbara too began to laugh wholeheartedly. The more they looked at each other or Bertie the harder they laughed and just as they were calming down Bertie came over to nudge Barbara which made Tommy laugh again. Eventually they stopped and sat on the floor of the stable grinning foolishly at each other. Tommy looked much younger and carefree than he had earlier today. She had been right, smiling and laughter was good for him, even if it was at her expense. He was looking at her a bit too carefully and suddenly she felt under scrutiny and stopped grinning.

Lynley grabbed her hand and hauled her to her feet then went over and patted Bertie, rubbing him on the snout as he spoke softly to him. Barbara could see that he had a way with horses. She was surprised he did not go riding in London.

"Come on," he said as he tossed a yellow and brown chequered blanket over Bertie's back, "up you get."

She reluctantly took his hand and allowed him to hoist her onto Bertie's back. As she registered that he had not put a saddle on he swung up behind her and wriggled closer so that his groin was touching her tail. She went stiff at his touch. "Relax Barbara," he said, "don't be scared. Bertie's a Clydesdale so won't go fast but he is strong. I'll guide him you just have to stay balanced in front of me."

"I'm not scared!" she retorted, "I'm just not used to being so close to...a horse." She had almost said 'you' and was glad she had caught herself in time. He was acting as if this was normal and she imagined that growing up it probably had been for him but she had not had any form of tactile relationship since her brother had died. Tommy lent forward to adjust the reins and she could feel his body against her back. He was warm and strong and it was extremely disconcerting. Part of her wanted to snuggle back against him but most of her wanted to run.

Bertie moved slowly from the stables in a rhythmical jiggity-jog that Barbara found she was trying to counterbalance. "You're too inflexible Barbara, just relax. Just rest your hands on his back. I am here and I won't let you fall off."

"Shouldn't we have a saddle or something?"

"Not for two us on one horse, this is better for Bertie and for us. We are not going too far but if you really hate it we can turn back." His voice was full of dread and Barbara could tell he wanted her to go with him and he wanted her to enjoy it, so she tried hard to loosen up, both her body and her mind.

"Just make sure if we do fall off you don't land on me!"

Tommy laughed again and with a soft cluck-cluck steered Bertie onto the cliff path.


	3. Chapter 3

Typos now corrected. I should have uploaded from the PC and not my iPad!

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Barbara eyed Bertie warily as she sat on his back. Every few minutes he seemed to look back at her and as he walked up the hill she would swear he had shrugged his shoulders so that she was forced back closer to Tommy. Each time she had felt her back touching Lynley she had tried to wriggle forward but it was hard on a moving horse. After a while she gave up and accepted that some contact with him, however unnerving, was inevitable and she began to study the terrain to distract her as Tommy pointed out landmarks.

The Cornish geology was not something Barbara had ever thought about in detail but as Bertie slowly ascended up the path she found it hard to ignore the beauty of the landscape where the moors meet the sea. The verdant cliffs were dramatic. Most fell sharply to the foamy ocean but some dipped and rose as they parried with the forces of wind and water. Others had lost their battle and had crumbled into a fan of jagged rocks lying on the edges of the sandy beaches. Barbara wondered why the beaches were so starkly fresh and yellow when the cliffs were brooding greys and browns. At a distance each cliff appeared identical to its cousins but close up they exuded their unique personalities in the patterns of the rocks which looked to have been placed in careful stacks ready for a purpose known only to the designer.

Tommy stopped Bertie at the top of one where wildflowers in delicate shades of pink and cream grew in the clefts of the rocks and contrasted with the blues and greens of the water. A quarter mile out to sea the water undulated in regular sets of waves but when those same waves reached the shore they seemed to hesitate and bank as if reluctant to expend their energy. Some rolled gently across the sand but only yards up the beach the same wave turned vicious and smashed down on the fallen rocks as if trying to tear them off the beach.

"The sea doesn't like the cliffs polluting the sand with its dirty grey rocks," Barbara said absentmindedly.

"Each element has its own idea of perfection and they fight each other constantly to assert their view but in the end the sea and the wind will win. In the end everything is worn away to nothing."

Barbara was still finding it hard to balance on the horse and so could only half turn to face him. "That's not true though is it Sir?" she asked earnestly, "part of one cliff may weaken and fall or part of one beach may be covered and that might change the course of the sea in that one spot but there's a balance and ultimately a volcano or upheaval will lay down more land. It might not be on this spot but it will be somewhere and the sea and the wind and the rain will find it and they will dance again."

Lynley did not answer straight away but he wrapped his arm around her waist and drew her back against him as he leant his head gently on her shoulder and just above a whisper said, "That's very profound and you are right but sometimes the cliff can only see what is falling and doesn't see its strength."

Barbara froze at the intimacy of his touch. He had clearly understood her analogy but Barbara's thoughts had been diverted. _What is it about my shoulder that makes everyone want to hang their head over it? _Logically she knew it was something friends would do, something that she should just accept was part of him feeling melancholic and nostalgic. But she did not like being this close to anyone and for some reason especially her boss. She regretted agreeing to come on this ride. He had tricked her and she should have stood her ground and said no. Her being on a horse was the most ridiculous thing, completely out of character and well, downright embarrassing. And as for being on a horse _with _him, that was too mortifying to even think about. She hoped he would turn Bertie around and head back to the house. Her shoulders shuddered and Tommy removed his head and arm and Barbara felt a pang of loss she could not explain.

Tommy slid off Bertie's back and placed one hand on her hip to help her down. "I want to show somewhere special, somewhere I used to come when I was young."

She accepted his hand and half fell off Bertie. Tommy caught her and placed her on the ground in one smooth movement. They looked briefly at each other. Tommy looked away quickly and Barbara felt her face redden. He tied Bertie's reins to a rock. "Over here," he said and moved to the cliff edge.

There was the faintest of tracks leading over the edge and Barbara shook her head. "Oh no! I'm not going rock climbing."

"Trust me, Barbara, there's a path. Once you step down here it is easy and it's not far."

"This morning we were in a park in London and now we are in Cornwall trying to climb down a cliff face. Is this only surreal to me or are we both crazy?"

"This is what I brought you up here to see. I think you'll understand and appreciate it. I've never shared it with anyone else, not even Judith."

Barbara thought it was odd he had mentioned his sister but not Helen. Surely if it had been important to him he would have brought her here. Tommy was holding out his hand to help her down the path. She ignored it and stepped over the edge to stand near him. He turned and walked on and she followed him carefully. At one point the track became very steep and again he turned an offered her his hand.

"I'm fine," she said defiantly.

"Suit yourself."

Barbara took two more steps and slipped, falling heavily on her rump and sliding several feet down towards him. She picked herself up and glared, daring him to say anything. There was mud streaked down the back of her coat and jeans and the wetness soaked through to her skin. Wisely he simply turned and continued but as he did she could see the broad smile forming and Barbara fumed. About fifty yards further on he stopped and when she caught up she could see it, a large cave in the side of the cliff with a small waterfall on the far side.

Tommy raced on with the eagerness of a young teenage explorer and waited for her at the entrance. After falling she was much more cautious. It was after all just a big hole in the side of the cliff. He stood mesmerised looking out to sea and as she moved into the cave the noise from the wind outside fell away. The silence gave the cave an aura of tranquillity reminiscent of a great cathedral. She turned to look out to sea and understood was why Tommy was transfixed. The cave blocked out all the imperfections in the landscape. There was no rubble on the shore or waves breaking haphazardly along the coast. Instead the sea was uniform and calm, rising and falling evenly as if it were breathing. The sun burnished the grey stones of the cliffs transforming them into a silvery veil that seemed to shimmer as it fell to meet the ocean.

"Oh Sir, it's beautiful."

"Yes, it is." Tommy sounded peaceful and calm, a stark contrast to this morning. Barbara was pleased she had come with him and chastised herself for having been so petulant and difficult. "There are caves all the way around the coast. Many are at the base of the cliffs and were used by smugglers and pirates but this one has a special atmosphere."

He sat down still looking out to sea and she followed his lead. Her jeans rubbed uncomfortably where they were wet against her skin and she hoped they dried before she had to sit on Bertie again.

"Did you come here often?"

"I discovered it one year when I was about nine. I was home from Eton and I had hated the housemistress and everything about boarding school. You never had any time to yourself there and here I had all the time I needed. I used to come back regularly and just sit here but I never came back after my father...died. So it's been twenty five or so years but it hasn't changed."

"Yeah, Acton is short of places to be alone. I used to try to find somewhere to escape after my brother died but someone was always around. It's ironic really, after Mum went into the home I had all the space in the world and yet I didn't like it at first."

"Did you find it hard to adjust to being alone?"

"Oh yeah...at first anyway. Over time I got used to it. I sort of made peace with myself and then it was okay."

"You make it sound easy, making peace with yourself. I can't seem to do that no matter how hard I try."

"You have to forgive yourself Sir. Until you do you will just keep punishing yourself. The wound will heal over but you'll be left with a huge scar that gets in the way of everything you do."

"You are quite the philosopher today Barbara."

"Not really, I'm just trying to share what helped me." Barbara spotted some small rocks by the entrance and had an idea. "Kneel up Sir and hold your hands together out in front of you. Yeah, like that but stretch your arms right out." She was astonished he had obeyed so willingly.

Barbara picked up several stones and dropped them one by one into the cup formed by his hands. "Each of these stones represents a burden you carry. Guilt about not saving Helen..." She saw him wince. "Guilt over the baby...guilt about your marriage not working as you hoped...guilt about not being honest with Helen...guilt about your Mother...guilt about Peter...regret about people who hurt you...fear you are not good enough...loneliness...fear of the expectations of others...fear of your own expectations"

"You seem to know me too well Havers." His voice was low and carried a sadness that tore at Barbara's heart in a way that troubled her. "What about my guilt about you?"

She looked at him and saw the pain in his eyes but continued, her voice now shaky. "You have no reason to feel any guilt about the way you have treated me."

He smiled but she could tell her words had done nothing to release whatever burden he felt about her. She might need to talk to him later about it. "By themselves the rocks are not heavy but collectively they are and the longer you hold them the heavier they seem. They will weigh you down. Soon your wrists will get sore, then your forearms and triceps. Eventually your shoulders will ache, then your back and your legs until every part of you hurts. The absolute weight of the rocks hasn't changed but the longer you carry them the more they destroy you."

Lynley's arms were trembling and she could tell he was struggling and his arms were hurting. Slowly she started to pull the rocks out of his hands and tossed them out of the cave and out to sea. Tommy closed his hands around the last two rocks and brought his hands to his face. He was silent but Barbara could see his tears. He stood up and threw them as far as could then collapsed back onto his knees sobbing. Barbara dropped to her knees in front of him and embraced him, one arm holding him close and the other stroking his head. He embraced her and they clung together in the cave both crying, both hanging their heads over each other's shoulder. This time it seemed as natural to her as breathing and she did not even think about fearing his touch. She wanted to comfort him and she was stunned to discover that holding him was a balm to many of the wounds that were still raw for her.

Time passed but seemed disconnected to the sweeping hand of their watches. Neither spoke and yet they conversed, their hearts opening and disclosing their secrets. Eventually they sat back and just watched the ocean together until Tommy decided reluctantly they had better return to the house.

"Time to go back."

Barbara nodded and followed him up the path. This time she accepted his hand on the slippery parts. Bertie was chomping happily on grass where they left him and Tommy boosted her up onto his back. As they rode Barbara found it easy to keep her balance, she simply leaned back into Tommy and trusted him to guide them home.


	4. Chapter 4

Steam rose invitingly from the tub as Barbara allowed her body to sink into the warm scented water. Tommy had insisted she have a bath to help soothe any overstretched or bruised muscles and he had given her a balm to rub into her legs afterwards. She had argued it was unnecessary but now that she had cooled down after the ride she could feel the stiffness and the effects of her fall setting in.

She washed herself quickly and then lay back luxuriating in the decadence of the large antique enamelled bath. She had found a selection of bath salts and had generously dosed the water with one that smelt like fresh rain on a pine forest. As the heat seeped into her body she was reminded how exhausted she felt. She had only dozed lightly last night waiting for his call and then had spent hours in the cold on Parliament Hill before driving all the way down here to go traipsing about the cliffs on a draught horse. Not that she would trade a minute of it but all she wanted to do was to crawl into bed and sleep. Lynley would probably understand if she did but she was also very hungry and Tommy had been eager to cook and she did not want to disappoint him.

Every time her thoughts turned to what had happened in the cave she desperately tried to think of something else. It had all been neat and clean before that; for years she had known her place. They were colleagues with a deeper bond that most would call friendship but it was a friendship with boundaries. Sometimes they had stood at the border and peered over but today they had crossed into new territory almost without thinking and Barbara was not sure what it meant. Did they now retreat to the safety of the old border or did they freely use the new ground? And what was the new ground? Just the physical manifestation of the emotional bond they already had or something different? Barbara had no reference points to know what it was or why in the course of an hour she had gone from hating him being physically close to wanting him to hold onto her and never let her go. She was confused and scared but as she submerged her whole body under the water she never once thought that it meant she was in love with him.

Her next problem was what to wear for dinner. She found underwear in her size and decided that she could avoid the constriction of a bra if she found a suitable shirt and jumper. There was a pair of grey woollen trousers that reminded her of the shimmering rocks on the cliff. They were soft to the touch and cut in the tailored shape that Katherine Hepburn might have worn. They were hardly her usual style but they went well with the silky white cotton shirt that she had chosen so she decided to try them on. They felt so sheer against her skin that she barely noticed she was wearing them and the fit was so good that she had to check twice that she had out them on correctly. She would ask Lynley if she could pay for them and keep them. The shirt blended well and was cool and fresh against her skin. She reconsidered her need for a bra but decided that comfort should prevail. A thin jumper in a mid-blue completed her outfit and gave her the right mix of casual comfort and protection she sought. She was about to go downstairs when she caught a glimpse of herself in the full length mirror. Far from casual she looked over-dressed. Who was she trying to fool? She was a jeans type of person, not a tailored trouser person. She was reaching for the wardrobe when Tommy knocked at the door.

"Dinner's ready Barbara, are you decent?"

"As decent as I'll ever be," she called back flatly as she realised what she had on would have to do.

Tommy came in and stopped dead. "Wow, I see you found something to wear. You look amazing."

Barbara felt the heat spreading up from her neck across her face. "I should have looked for some jeans," she said miserably envying his physique and bearing that would make a potato sack look smart. Tonight was no different; he was his usual cool elegance in a simple blue shirt and beige trousers.

"On the contrary; you should dress like this more often." Barbara noticed that he too had blushed. He was obviously embarrassed for her and her poor choice of clothes. Well it was his fault for dragging her down here so he would just have to put up with it! Not that he ever seemed to notice.

He recovered his voice first. "Anyway, I have made us some dinner so if you are ready we can eat."

A table had been set in a smallish room that Barbara did not remember from earlier visits. Two huge soft brown leather couches dominated the space which like most rooms in the house was lined with tall mahogany dados outlined in crested squares below white limed walls. Tommy had set a fire in the stone fireplace which gave the room soft warmth and a diffuse yellow glow. As the flames shifted across the logs shadows ebbed and flowed across the room creating an intimate and cosy atmosphere. There was a large modern television in one corner which was at odds with the traditional leather club chair and bookcases in the opposite corner. As Barbara looked around the room she could picture Tommy in a smoking jacket reading or lying on the couch in jeans watching a football match. It was as if many parts of his personality had been thrown together into one room.

"This is our informal room where we spend most of our time," he said in answer to her unspoken question.

"I always imagined you all dressed formally and sitting in those other rooms every evening."

He laughed softly and shook his head, "we are not that much different to anyone else Barbara."

"Not everyone has a real animal skin on their floor though!" Barbara had just noticed the bear skin on the floor between the couches in front of the fire. The head was still attached and the glass eyes seemed to follow her as she moved. It was unsettling.

"My great grandfather shot him back in the late eighteen hundreds. It was the done thing then. I have been tempted to put him somewhere else but he is very soft and as kids we used to like to lie on him. I have a sentimental attachment to him."

Barbara smiled tightly unsure if she disapproved or not. "Does he have a name?" A bearskin rug was such a cliché she expected him to say something like Rupert or Paddington.

"Not really. I just call him Bear." It was said with such innocence that she could not help but be charmed.

She changed tack. "So what did chef whip up for dinner?"

"Nothing too fancy Madame, I was limited by what was in the freezer," he said in his best faux Italian chef imitation. "Veal Scaloppine al limone!"

The name was unfamiliar and Barbara was now worried that she was out of her depth. Tommy pulled out her chair. She sat as graciously as she could and tried not to fidget as he left the room to get their meal. There were two lamps on the wall providing general light but on the table between the settings was a large cream candle with three wicks burning which locked the table into its own secret world. She watched the flames and breathed deeply to calm her anxiety.

He was gone longer than she expected and when he returned he was carefully balancing a silver tray with two plates and had a crisp white tea towel folded over his arm just like a waiter. It amused her and she smiled which was rewarded by one if his special grins. She was relieved to learn that dinner was in effect schnitzel with carrots, small quartered chat potatoes that had been baked and tasted like upmarket chips, and a green vegetable she could not identify. At first she had been hesitant to squirt the juice from the lemon wedges on the veal but Tommy had insisted she at least try it and to her surprise it was tasty. Dessert was a chocolate pudding with vanilla cream. He admitted it was from a packet but she was overwhelmed that he had made the effort to bake it.

Conversation had been light and easy and they talked about all sorts of things they had never really discussed before and she was amazed to learn they shared many of the same beliefs. Perhaps Tommy had been right all along when he complained she pre-judged him. Usually when they were together they were talking about a case or a personal disaster in one of their lives. Tonight it was different and if she had needed one word to describe how she felt she would have chosen 'comfortable'. The cave trip had been cathartic for her and she could not remember when she had last felt so at ease or she had seen Tommy so relaxed. She wondered why she had been so stressed earlier.

"You've missed your calling Sir; that was delicious. No one has ever cooked for me before."

"I've made you toast!"

"Yeah but that's hardly cooking."

"No, but it _is_ your main source of sustenance from what I gather."

She screwed up her face at him which made him laugh. "Anyway, thank you. It was…I don't know...it was really nice of you."

Tommy stood and moved over to Barbara. "It has been a long day for you, it was the least I could do," he said as he put his hand on her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze, "besides it was nothing compared to what you did for me today. I didn't say it before but thank you Barbara, for everything." He started to bend down towards her. "You were right about so much but..." His face was level with hers when the telephone in the hall rang shrilly. "Who the hell is that?" He sounded annoyed and stomped off to the hall muttering under his breath, leaving Barbara wondering what he had been about to say.


	5. Chapter 5

"Barbara, it's Winston, he needs to talk to you," Tommy summoned her to the hall.

She took the call while he extinguished the candle and cleared the dishes. When he returned she was sitting on the bearskin facing the fire with her shoes off and her knees drawn up to her face. The fur was softer and deeper than she thought and the pure tactile joy of feeling it against her fingers and toes made her understand why Tommy kept it.

He turned off the lights so that the room was only lit by the fire and sat next to her. "Bad news?" he asked tentatively.

"Sorta. It seems a person or persons unknown broke into my car, took it for a joyride before using it in a robbery and then torching it out by Hampstead Heath!"

"Oh God! I'm sorry," he said sympathetically, "was it insured?"

"Yeah but not for much. Where am I going to get another car from now?"

"I don't suppose you would let me help you out? It was my fault that we left it in London after all."

"I should you know!" she said reproachfully, "but I needed a new one anyway so they probably did me a favour."

"Well, can you get something with a bit more legroom please? I enjoyed you chauffeuring me about today but your last butter box was too small for comfort." Tommy sounded pompous but his smile gave him away. Barbara looked at him then gave him a shove. He toppled sideways but bounced up again and pushed her back and they both started laughing as he fell onto her.

Barbara froze and stopped laughing. She started to sit up properly and started to rearrange her legs away from his body. Tommy put his hand on her leg to stop her. "Relax Barbara." Her eyes went wide at his touch as a shiver ran up her spine. "Hmm, you do have good taste. These cashmere trousers are so soft." His hand was now gently massaging her calf as he ran his palm over the texture of the cashmere.

"Cashmere?" Barbara was aghast. "I'm sorry I thought they were wool."

Tommy cocked his head to one side and looked at her strangely. "Why are you sorry? Are you allergic to cashmere?"

"No but it's expensive," she replied meekly, "I should have selected something cheaper. I was going to buy them from you."

"Oh Barbara, when are you going to understand that you deserve to have nice clothes and to be happy? We don't ask our guests to buy them. You told me today I need to forgive myself but you need to learn that you are worthy of good things happening to you. You should value yourself...as much as I value you." Tommy knelt up and kissed her softly on her forehead. He was looking directly when he said, "you are worth more to me than anything."

There was nowhere to look and nowhere to run. Barbara understood that Tommy was grateful for her friendship and the moment they had shared today but this new ground was unpredictable and full of potholes and while she had genuinely enjoyed the evening she wanted to retreat to their old ground before she embarrassed them both. She had an urge to hug him but this time it was a selfish desire rather than wanting to comfort him. She just wanted to feel the strength and warmth of his body against hers. _It's only tiredness. You're exhausted, just go to bed. _

"Look Sir, it's been a long day and we're both exhausted. If you don't mind I'll just head off to bed."

"I do mind. I mind very much."

"Sorry?"

"I know we are both weary but there's something I have wanted to say since we were in the cave. Hear me out first please."

_Ah, so this is what you were trying to say earlier. _"Okay." Against her better judgement she sat down to listen to him.

"You were waiting for me to ring weren't you?"

"Yes, I thought you would want company at some stage," she admitted.

"Do you know why I went to the hill?"

"To feel closer to Helen because you both used to go there together."

"No, actually I wanted to feel closer to you."

"Me?"

"Yes, after the funeral everyone politely left, her family, my family. I think some of them blamed me and others pitied me. But you knew where to find me and you just came to sit with me and let me know someone cared. No judgement or pity, just unconditional support."

"I wanted you to know I was there for you, if you needed me."

"And I did need you but it scared me."

"Why?"

"Because it reminded me of the first time we worked together. Do you remember Deborah's wedding when I was sitting talking to Helen? She came to me after Deborah left me just the same way you came to me after Helen died."

"I'm not sure I follow you Sir. Why did that scare you?"

"I could see the whole thing happening again. Mother always said that I don't fall in love, I fall in desperation. I no longer had Deborah and I needed someone to be in love with and Helen seemed ideal because she was my friend and I already loved her. I talked myself into it and I talked her into it. They say the best relationships are built on friendship but they need passion too and we never really had it. Helen knew it and I knew it, probably from our very first kiss. That's why she left me after the baby died."

Barbara was not sure she understood what he was trying to say. "But she came back and you were both trying hard to make it work. You loved her; you didn't need passion to miss her or to mourn her. "

"No, I know. And I did miss her but we were friends trying to pretend to be lovers. She had known something for a long time that I hadn't recognised, or refused to recognise, but up on that hill I couldn't deny it any longer. Afterwards I felt so guilty and ashamed. It was the guilt that nearly drove me insane, not grief. I couldn't face you, for months. I was still trying to deny it."

"Guilt about what? What were you trying to deny?"

"The passion I was supposed to feel for Helen belonged to someone else and it had done for years. I just blocked it. I ruined three people's lives because I was too proud to admit to myself that I was in love with someone else."

He was not making much sense. "Sir, you're rambling and I don't understand what you are trying to tell me. Deborah married Simon, you didn't ruin her life and Helen could have said no."

He looked at her confused. "I'm not talking about Deborah! Helen and I _wanted _it to work but it was never going to. You still don't see it do you?"

"No, tell me Sir, let me help you." He was obviously distressed at his inability to articulate what he meant.

"Can't you see Barbara? I was worried that it was only me in love with you and that I would bully you like I did Helen and that I would lose my best friend in another fruitless search for love. But today, up in that cave, there was more passion in that embrace than in the whole of my marriage. It's been there for years and we have just danced around it but you feel it too, don't you? You love me with as much passion as I love you."

Barbara turned away from him unable to speak. She had not labelled it before but it made sense. She had been wary of his touch because it could never be lasting but today she had revelled in it because he had reached out to her in the way she had wanted him to for years. If she had been pressed she would have undoubtedly said she loved Tommy more than anyone but to admit to being in love with him was terrifying. To hear him confess to feeling the same way was both painful and euphoric. The ground had definitely shifted, seismically, and Barbara did not know which way to run. Eventually she replied, "more."

She was still facing away from him and the shock of feeling his arms come around her was secondary to the surge of pleasure that ran through her. He had his arms crossed over her and he rested his head on her shoulder. _What is it with my shoulders today? _At first she remained rigid but her body betrayed her and she nestled back into his embrace. He was warm and strong and he loved her. Barbara felt a weight lift from her and she was content.

They sat silently for a few minutes before he spoke. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For everything but especially for treating you so badly after Helen died. You didn't deserve that."

"I appreciate your apology Sir, but as I told you today, you don't have anything to feel guilty about. You can't help how you felt."

Tommy began to kiss the back of her neck and the ground shifted under Barbara yet again. His embrace was one thing but she was not sure she was ready for anything else. "Don't…please."

He stopped and turned her to face him. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing and everything; I'm scared Sir. Today has been long and…eventful. I'm tired and I don't know what to think or what to do."

Tommy lay down on the bearskin and opened his arms. "You don't have to do anything but I would like you to come down here and let me hold you."

As she lay in his arms Barbara tried to disentangle her emotions and thoughts. As the shock subsided she began to relish the feel of his body and the tenderness of his caress. He was stroking her back affectionately and she suddenly remembered she had chosen to not wear a bra. _I hope he doesn't think I intended to seduce him!"_ As she thought about it the idea was a lot less frightening than it had been ten minutes before and she was sorry that she had stopped him kissing her. She reached up and ran her fingertips over his face. He had obviously shaved before dinner and his face was smooth and much silkier than she had expected. As she continued to explore his features he moaned involuntarily and tilted his head into her hand.

"Sir?"

"Hmm."

"Can I call you Tommy?"

His hand came up and held her chin and he leant in and kissed her lightly but with undeniable love. They both pulled back and gasped their eyes wide, before diving back together with the fevered passion of two bodies and hearts making up for lost time.

It was not long before they were naked and totally immersed in each other. They could have been on a bed of razorblades and Barbara would not have cared but the softness of the bearskin made her feel alive and free. A wondrous day had been capped off by a superlative evening and she had come to believe that she did indeed deserve to be as happy as she was in this moment. Tommy was beaming and years had fallen from his face. In the glow of the fire he looked as young as the day in the barn on their first case when she had first known she loved him. They had both been hiding that knowledge from themselves and each other but now there was no going back.

"Tommy?'

"Hmm?" he was still kissing her neck.

"I have formed a sentimental attachment to Bear. I think we should take him back to London."

Tommy laughed and rolled her over and as he began to kiss her said, "I love you so much Barbara! I think I might put him on the floor of my office."


End file.
